Peeing away on my friends toilet I had a weird thought. Maybe I am crazy or socially awkward. It could explain all the stupid shet that always happens in front of autumn or how I naturally stay mute on first dates to later turn into the drunk girl that falls off stages. Lets not even bring up the number of times I freak out men/boys/guys at the bar with my lewd sense of humor. Let's face it I may stay single forever, just how my momma always warned me when I use to loudly burp in church.
I'm positive I scare them away. They see a "pretty" girl and then she opens her mouth. They hear things they never expected. And again I tarnish this innocent image of me they had of me, being Asian or some mixture of a race. I think back to high school and I've changed. It could be due to the amount of time I spent wasted, but I always had a boyfriend with maybe a break in between each. But I'm pretty sure that I acted the same then as I do now. Okay actually no, I lied. I lived for pot, I lived for crazy adventures, I lived for running from cops, I lived for movies, I lived for music, I lived for not giving a shit no matter how many times I was ejected from my dad's, I lived so if I died the next day at least I knew I did what I wanted.
Now I do spend some time getting wasted only on scheduled "party" days, but most of the time I feel like I'm boring and responsible. Lacking adventures/memories/stories. I miss the spontaneity of it all. Maybe I don't scare them away with my craziness - maybe it's because I'm boring now. Ack! I'm too tired to analyze this anymore.
If anything I'll put out a final thought and just live with it. Maybe I'm just socially awkward around new people and it makes me laugh when they are not around. And because I find it so funny I've gotten into a bad habit of doing it everywhere.
I do care just a tad what people think of me, but I still have that same "whatever" attitude. Unless it's someone I like. In that case I somehow end up looking like a dumbass and care greatly.
PS- Me being a dumbass happens frequently at beer garden. I should just be banned from that place.
