Kicking Addictions

I decided on quitting for the umpteenth time. Cigarettes and vibrators. 

Cigarettes: Quit date is the 28th of June.

Not only are they costly in the state of NYC, but it's unhealthy and making my fingers reek of them hours after a toke. My secret weapon against these bad boys will be pretending I'm training for the NYC marathon. I've entered twice in the past, but never made it. The running makes me not want to smoke all day long, which is awesome for my lungs. And of course orbit. Starting off slowly by smoking only two a day, and cutting back on the alcohol that summer is based on. Hard, but not impossible.

Vibrators: Today.

When it comes to the point of me pushing my mom out the door in the morning for alone time, it's bad and time for rehab. Sex is amazing (the best part is when he enters and feeling all that pressure inside), but for some retarded reason I needed to do it once a day which turns my sex life into lots masturbation because I can't see my guy everyday. That's not amazing, just makes me sound crazy nympho like. No more toys for my vay-jay-jay, Lana's getting too adjusted to the machines - never a good thing. Was going to discard them this morning so it would be easier to kick the habit, and then I got cold sweat all over just thinking of that process. It's really that bad. I'm going to hide them somewhere in the far off corners of my closet, where it'll be a mission to retrieve them. Very hard, but not impossible - right?

Here's to summer goals!

Where Have All The Straight Men Gone?

In rehab the first step to recovery is admitting your problem. In a girl's single life to being less despo is coming to terms that dying partner-less is a possibility. Ugh - that was harsh. I'm sorry.

Knowing this should make your worries about actual worries like paying back school loans, getting a job, and the BP Oil Spill take a higher precedence over your non-existent dating life.

Truth hurts, but there are more single women than single men. Just like the saying the good ones are taken or gay. And as you age, a Twinkie could easily trip you up.

What's to come:

Two reasons for this non-crisis:

1. Times are changing. The once rigid and still rigid states is now populated with more liberal free thinkers pushing for the legalization of gay marriage. Men (and women) can come out with less risk of ex-communication. Sure, it still happens, but the loud shushing of the gay community has gone down to an inaudible hush.

2. The cure for the "testosterone storm" has yet to be invented.

No worries.

If this information is killing dreams of a settled life with a pair of twins. Stop it! It doesn't have to kill it. Sperm banks, more than ever, are popping up like crazy and single mothers by choice has become an acceptable life choice. Not only that, you can probably accomplish more without the ritual checking of you okcupid.com inbox.

P.s. You should probably cancel your okcupid.com account anyways. It's embarrassing hearing people say "we met off the web". Invest in an amazing vibrator instead.