Can't Seem to Make You Mine

Digression: It's not bad to smoke pot every once in a while...

So now continuing with the story, once upon a time I was 17 going on 18. As a relaxation technique (college essays are extremely stressful) I went to play skateboards with a boy not yet a man friend. Yet before we headed outside we took our hit of ritual ganja.

He passed the joint to me, I lit it and nearly burned some skin off but who really pays attention when you're about to take a hit. So I inhaled...

then I...


and felt my body slowly press up against his soft mattress.

Everything came to a standstill and I captured his bittersweet smile forever into my photographic memory. I felt his body join me. There we were, and all was quiet; so perfect. The blotched ceiling was our entertainment of choice.

His sweaty palm slid into mine, our fingers filled out asymmetrical patterns without the gaps. Sensations and tingles filled me over. He let go and I lost my concentration, frazzled I came to in reality. When he leaned in to kiss me I lost myself in the innocence of it all over again. I forever forgot myself in a moment of our youth.

Off in the distance I heard his soft spoken voice.

"Don't ever change."

In a moment of pressure to answer him I quickly collected my thoughts and my skateboard. To be so in love with someone I did what was best. Without a word I kissed him goodbye and I left. Protecting myself was always first when it came to issues of the heart. That night was the first time I carried my pink skateboard and walked home. He showed me what it was to cry.

Having a bad history with men I cursed myself for having such luck. Cursed them for making me so afraid. He didn't hate me after that episode, if anything he wanted me to get better. One of the first and only loves to stick by me. I guess I should now make that singular, huh?

Since then he's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder which makes sense why he never judged my PTSD flawed persona. Magically appearing to kiss away my tears of teenage angst he became my superhero at a time when there was no one. I fell in love with him and the act of loving.

After I left home for college we stopped speaking, maybe it's a shame but I'm happy he was always there when I needed him the most.

I won't rest until I forget about it
I won't rest until I don't care
I won't rest until I forget about it
-xiu xiu